Once again, I set myself up for a “big” Saturday. The plan? Wake up at 4 a.m. to hit the Emigrant Trail outside of Truckee, CA for my longest run to date since 2015 or so (15 miles) where I’d meet my friend for a mountain bike ride on that same trail (17.82 miles total) to help break in her new mountain bike and to introduce her to the world of single-track trails. I knew heading out that this was an ambitious plan and that, given the smoky atmosphere and the heat, it had the potential to end badly. But, this year I’ve learned that focusing on problems isn’t the way to solve them.
So, I started running on a trail blazed in orange light and another topic came to mind that is relevant to this long day of mine insofar as it relates to how I understand the world, and how I want to go about facing the challenges that come up in life from time to time.
Over the past year, I can’t even tell you how many people have, in casual conversation, asked me “How the counseling thing” is going. At first, I let it slide as a matter of semantics: what does it matter if friends can’t remember what I do with my life? Whether I’m running or riding my bike or roller skating, does it really matter? And so, I asked myself: Soul-Based Coaching versus Soul-Based Counseling. Did it matter, honestly?
But after gaining my certification, it kept happening. “Coaching” was often confused with “counseling.” A client wrote me a testimonial with that word in it, which I couldn’t use. Despite the many positive aspects of my work, “counseling” is not among them.
And then a relative called this week, asking if I wouldn’t mind talking to a friend of a friend who works in a high-stress job, and who is in need of support for her mental health.
“Can I send her information about your counseling?” my relative asked, and I knew I had to do something because this isn’t at all what I do or why I pursued certification or what I can offer to someone in need of a coach, not a counselor.
So, it’s time to set the record straight. It’s Soul-Based Coaching, and that last word is very, very important. While I’m going to do my best to avoid talking about counseling/therapy in this blog—mainly because I’m not a counselor or therapist and the last time I spoke to one, it was 1999 and I’m sure things have changed since then—but also because there seems to be this woo-woo mystery around what it is I actually do, and I just don’t want to beat around the bush anymore.
I run. I ride my bike. I roller skate to cool music. I’m an athlete. And I write. And yeah, there’s this other thing I do, too, called Soul-Based Coaching. Let’s talk about it.
The Problem with Problems
If life is a trail, the key is to focus where you want to go. If you focus on the rocks and hard stuff, that’s where your feet or tires will be drawn to. #TrailTruth
Maybe it’s a cultural thing, but have you ever noticed yourself saying what you don’t want rather than what you do? I do it a lot. For example: I’ll get the question: “What do you want for dinner?” and I typically say something like: “God I don’t want pasta again,” or “Whatever it is, don’t make chicken!”
Or, when I’m getting dressed for work in the morning, I won’t have a clue about what I actually want to wear, but instead, I’ll start with: “There’s no way in hell I’m wearing the gray thing!” Or: “the blue dress makes me look fat. Anything BUT that.”
Even with jobs — when I look on Indeed or those other job search sites, I never say: “I want a job that provides me with a solid income and an intellectual challenge.” Instead, it’s energetically the opposite. I scroll through my narrow range of options, adding commentary like: “I’d die rather than work for the DMV!” or “That sounds gawd awful.”
Think about it: when something challenging comes up, what do you do? Do you say “I want this to change….” or, instead do you say: “I don’t want this,” or “I want out,” or “I can’t stand it anymore.” It’s probably the latter three.
I have no idea where this problem-orientation to life comes from, but the idea (I think?) is that if we focus on what’s wrong and noodle at it, then we will at some point arrive at a “fix.” (Maybe it comes from math classes. You’re given problems to work through and eventually you arrive at a solution. But when has algebra ever been like life?)
So, maybe that works for math, but that’s a pretty isolated example. If anything, it means you spend a lot of time thinking about what makes you miserable. And not that we need to ignore problems necessarily, but as Einstein said, the mind that created the problem isn’t the one that can solve it.
Also: it might seem “easy” (you tell yourself “At least I know what I don’t want”) but how does that help you know what you do want? I mean, life is not an “if not” X” then “Y” equation, as in “if not chocolate, then vanilla.” Unfortunately, as Ani DiFranco reminds us, there are at least 32 flavors and then some. Life is complex… and that’s why it’s so beautiful.
And so, why not just come out and say: “This is what I want,” and then look for it?
Doing that saves a lot of mental grief. Trust me.
Outcome-Oriented Work
Sometimes a trail leads you to an unexpected place. I took us on a slightly different trail and we ended up at Stampede Reservoir.
Big shifts started to happen in my life when I began training to be a Soul-Based Coach. A part of it might have been because it was new. I’d never dedicated to myself to a year of 5 a.m. Zoom calls every Tuesday to learn something outside of my comfort zone.
I was joined with women from literally every continent (well, no one from Antarctica) and I was not only challenged by learning new skills but also by interacting with others who had very different lives, customs, languages, cultures, and world views than I did. It was awesome!!
And yet, at the core of this…. something else began to shift. Problems no longer held center stage in my mind. Granted, they still exist. They will always exist. I will probably always think about what I don’t want for dinner before what I do. It’s a weird quirk. (I just learned not to say it out loud, haha!)
Instead, Soul-Based Coaching has taught me to ask myself "What would you like to have happen?” It’s a starting point, a place where I can literally say: I want _____. It doesn’t mean it will happen, but articulating a clear desire is, actually, useful in moving forward.
Last Fall, the answer to that question was: I want to write a book. I decided to start simply: I sat down every night for a couple of hours and wrote. After I had about sixty pages, I hired an editor and joined a writing community to keep me going. The book didn't just appear because I wanted it to, but when I said I wanted it, that made me think: OK, so if I want this, how can I make what I want a reality?
I won’t go into the weeds of how that actually works in a coaching session (you’re welcome to reach out and reserve an exploration session if you’d like to learn more!) but this is energetically where the work of Soul-Based Coaching begins: what would you like to have happen?
And so, given what I have experienced, that’s the difference between counseling and coaching. The starting point and compass for the work I do as a Soul-Based Coach is the answer to the question: what you want to have happen in your life. Do problems come up? Sure— (they always do, right?) But the idea is to keep your eye focused on the goal, because if you’re looking in that direction, chances are, you’ll figure out how get there.
Reaching Your Goals
And when you focus on your goals, sometimes you surprise yourself by doing the very thing you wanted to do in the first place!
I’m not going to lie: the 15-miles I ran on that mountain trail this morning in the orange light were not easy. I set a steady (not fast) pace and held it up hills, down hills, over rocks. I thought for sure I’d roll an ankle, but by some miracle, I didn’t.
For the first hour and a half, I was the only one in the forest. It felt sacred, even as the fear I always carry with me whispered that I might not make it the entire way. I haven’t run that far in a long, long time.
But the thing is, I did. That feels like an accomplishment to me.
And then I met my friend who is getting into mountain biking to take her on that same trail with her new bike. As I mentioned above, she wants to ride single track trails and never has. This trail isn’t exactly “easy”, but it is a nice introduction to a slightly more technical style of mountain bike riding.
I am so proud to say she made it- and rode over some rocky hills that aren’t exactly “easy”- it was her longest and most technical ride to date. At a certain point she said: “I never thought I’d ever be able to do something like this,” and that’s what brought me back to Soul-Based Coaching. That is exactly the revelations clients have when working with a coach.
Although my “tan” washed down the drain, I’m nonetheless proud of these weekend adventures. :-)
It’s not about the problems. It’s about the dreams you want to accomplish. Every person has the capacity to reach them. Soul-Based Coaching provides a supportive, safe space in which to explore those goals you have so they can become realities.
What wasn’t a reality? I thought I got a really great tan today after all those miles out on the trail. But, when I came home (I was really pretty disgusting) and took a shower, my “tan” washed down the drain.
Oh well. At least I accomplished my goals for the day. The tan will come later. :-)
Light, love and liberation, friends <3 .